Funny words of wisdom for work how to#
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target. I am an early bird and a night owl… so I am wise and I have worms. I told you to go to Cox’s and buy a searsucker suit, but it looks like you went to Sears instead. Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution? H.L. My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. “If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.” – Stan Laurel
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments. There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened. I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Bob ThavesĪll right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes. Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away. “The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.“I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.” – Henny Youngman Quotes to Make You Laugh I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.”ġ50. “There is one word that describes people that don’t like me: Irrelevant.”ġ49.
“I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.”ġ48. “I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”ġ47. “Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’”ġ46. I prefer to call it selective participation.”ġ45. "I hope we're good friends until we die, then I hope we can stay ghost friends, walk through walls, and scare people."ġ44. The people who need it most never use it.”ġ43. “Dear life, when I said ‘can this day get any worse’ it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.”ġ41. “I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”ġ40. “Me and my bed are perfect for each other, but my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.”ġ39. “Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. “Maybe if we tell people that brains is an app, they’ll start using it.”ġ37.
Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. “I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. You tell me you love me, so now I’m scared.”ġ35. I’m tired of solving them for your own.”ġ34. “Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems. "I just cleaned everything from top to bottom, so now I'm gonna need everyone to stop living here."ġ33. "Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians. "First God created man, then he had a better idea. "Life Status: currently holding it all together with one bobby pin."ġ29. I prefer to call it selective participation."ġ28. "You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself."ġ27. RELATED: 99 Funny & Sarcastic Memes To Use As Comebacksġ26. I am some form of permanently-exhausted pigeon." "I hate when people ask me what I'm doing tomorrow, I don't even know what I'm doing today."ġ24. “Why is Monday so far from Friday, and Friday so close to Monday?”ġ22. "If you can't laugh at your own problems, call me and I'll laugh at them."ġ21. "I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat."ġ19. “'Did you just fall?' No, I was checking if gravity still works.”ġ18. "You're the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo."Ģ5 Best Love Quotes That Perfectly Describe The Gemini Zodiac Signġ17. I attacked the floor and I believe I am winning."ġ16. “A stupid person laughs three times at a joke once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first.”ġ15. "I try not to laugh at my own jokes but we all know I'm hilarious."ġ14. "Hey, train wreck, this isn't your station."ġ12.
"The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap. "I don't understand how I can remember every word of a song from 1984, but I can't remember why I walked into the kitchen."ġ07. Well actually I fell down, but I had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough."ġ06.
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